I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
