here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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