i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Randomize
