He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
