if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Randomize
