I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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