Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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