Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
home. puking in laundry basket.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
