i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
