ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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