I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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