my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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