Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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