Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
