there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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