It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
