dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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