i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
now i know why i became what i already was.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Go christen that room with your naked body.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
