the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
