I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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