I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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