u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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