the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
