I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
