Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
