No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
