Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
