Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
