OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
