Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Randomize
