I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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