I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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