Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
