dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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