I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
