i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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