Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
