I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
