Your tits are I can't wait for
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
