If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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