At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I need a burrito and a hug.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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