I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
