1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
