My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
