My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
