he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
