god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
