peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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