You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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