yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
