he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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