Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
