I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
