You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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