Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
