Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just had sex on a roof
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
