His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
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