The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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