i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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